As the days pass I find myself fighting to stay awake late into the nights, regardless of how tired it would make me, come morning. You see, a lack of sleep is still better in my eyes as compared to the burdens and pressures I’m to face the next day, and the one after that, and the one after that. It’s a vicious cycle of being put down, despite one’s best efforts that lead to as sunken a state of mind as mine appears to be these past few days. Or months, if I’m to be entirely honest. I refuse to tell myself that I wasn’t ready, because I refuse to believe that I am not strong, I am not independent.
Towards the end of 2017, I began to believe in the mantra that one should always expect the unexpected, and, foolishly, I had succumbed to it without having given a thought to its constant recurrence. A chat with some university friends of mine today made me take a look back to last year, when I was moving back to Malaysia, after having moved out of it in January and struggling every single day for the next half year or so. I was excited at the prospect of moving back here, of starting my life anew, alone and as a success.
However, I did know it wasn’t going to be easy. But I was ready for the challenge, I had faith in both myself and what had brought me back here. I took it up, and I gave it my all, without a complaint. Because I genuinely wanted to give, because I was grateful for such an opportunity, and I was curious to see what this would mean for my career, and my future.
I was. Now, I’m at wit’s end. I feel at a loss of direction, a loss of hope, and heaps of disappointmentjust mounting up. One of my friends today asked me what would happen if, come August, I am yet again let down, my expectations tarnished, an entire year gone to waste, and my state of mind played with. I couldn’t imagine such a situation, even. What I would do. As a foreigner, as a fresh-grad, as a woman, as someone still trying to up her self-worth, I find myself facing obstacles others may not necessarily face due to the lack of any one of the aforementioned. I feel displaced. Professionally, personally, physically, mentally – each remains a challenge. Each of which I was proud to have been making progress in, up until things began spiralling.
I find myself consumed by too many toxic relationships I am unable to fish myself out of – and I don’t just mean personally. I find myself unable to enjoy what I used to, even, because I feel unable to focus on myself, while my mind faces such turmoil.
I guess, as with last year, there is still a struggle now, but what I’m most afraid of is the uncertainty of it all. Knowing that my future, my strength is in the hands of those who do not have my best interest at heart in any way whatsoever.
But you keep moving forward, one way or another. And when a time comes where you are entirely and undoubtedly content, you’ll learn to treasure it wholeheartedly.