This one’s for him

I still have pictures of him and us on my phone. Well, I didn’t for a while, but I transferred them in last week so I could have them printed (along with several other pictures of several other people as well). I just prefer having hard copies of pictures rather than just seeing them on a screen.

Anyway. I was looking through the pictures and my heart felt so emotional, thinking back to when those pictures were taken. Looking back to pictures of him smiling. Do you know when it’s love? It’s love when you find the joy in their happiness. When you feel happy seeing them be happy. I had several of those moments with him, one of which included him parasailing up in the sky and my utter joy at seeing him…well, joyful. For lack of a better word.

It’s his birthday tomorrow. One of the pictures on my phone was of his birthday, two years ago. It’s funny, but I was more excited for his birthday than I’ve ever been for my own. It’s one of my favourite memories, and you can see it in my expression, in the picture.

I’m very glad for him. So much so, I put him up on a pedestal in front of my friends – even my own mother. I’ve literally been with her in a car, and told her, that regardless of her feelings about what him and I were, she should know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it weren’t for him. It took courage to say that, but I did. Because I put him up on a pedestal, as I mentioned before. He doesn’t believe me when I tell him this, of course. Too hard on himself, that one. And yet I believe he will make it in the world, and I look forward to that moment of pride which will fill my heart, when it eventually happens. Which is why I related to La La Land a lot. What a movie, honestly. Anyway, that’s for another time.

This time, this day is for him and him alone. At times, I step back to reconsider my thoughts about him. Was he really that great himself? The answer is no. No one is, completely. He had and still does have his faults. But it’s all about the bigger picture, isn’t it? I’m grateful for so much, for everything he was and everything he wasn’t. It helped, in one way or another.

But you know what I’m most grateful for? That he was the best first love you could hope for. I’ve met so many different people over the past year or so, ever since we parted ways. And you know what I’ve learnt? Men aren’t great human beings in general. I’ve been exploited, used, played with, lied to, have my health endangered. For their own gain, their own selfish reasons.

I always say he was different. It’s one of those cliche phrases but it was true in more ways than one. Because he could have so easily been…well, not been a great person. He could have so easily been like the rest of them. He could have so easily scarred me for the rest of my life, for whoever may or may not be a part of it in the future.

But he didn’t. Instead, he was so, just, genuinely good that, no matter the hurt and heartbreak I have experienced after him and probably will in the future, I always have him as an example. I always have him as my reason for my continuing faith in humanity, in men. In decent people. Because from what I’ve seen over the past year or so, there are very few of them left. But they’re there. He was there, and he still is there. He is the reason I believe (ironic given our circumstance, but anyway).

This isn’t some post about a girl hung up on an ex-partner, as one would probably assume. This is an appreciative post, all in all. And I believe it’s very apt, to celebrate someone on the very day they were born (which is where the concept of birthdays came from, I know, I know).


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